My Infertility Story

So, I want to discuss with you a little bit about my situation with infertility.  Some info might be a little TMI, but I want to share it with you.  My husband and I decided we wanted to start trying to have a baby in May of 2011.  We were poor with only one income, living in a rent house 20 miles from my husband's job (which in the city is quite a commute).  We knew we couldn't afford a baby at the time, but after lots of prayer and consideration (and a call from my sister-in-law that they were expecting their 2nd) we decided maybe it was our turn.

So I went off of my birth control pill and gave the reigns to God.  I decided to go into my doctor's office to have a physical before we conceived.  While there she gave the the whole work-up and said I was good to go.  She set a time limit however because I hadn't had a normal cycle after getting off the birth control.  If I hadn't gotten my cycle in 3 month to come back.  Well, 3 months later I was in the office again and she pas putting me on Progesterone to cause my cycles to start.  After a couple of months trying with the hormone, she decided she wanted to see what my body was actually doing.  So I was sent to get a sonogram so they could look at my ovaries.  Back at the doctor's office, she told me I wasn't ovulating at all and that she wanted to put me on Clomid.  For those of you who don't know, Clomid is a hormone that causes your ovaries to produce eggs.  This is sometimes a controversial drug because it's been known to cause multiple births , due to releasing more than one egg at a time, quite frequently.  Hearing that I wasn't going to get pregnant without the help of medication was devastating to me.  I had always suspected that I'd have problems getting pregnant because my cycles were so sporadic when I was younger.  However, I never thought it'd be this hard.  

Anyways, after a couple days of crying my eyes out I finally decided that this is something God wanted me to go through.  Otherwise it wouldn't have been put in front of me.  My husband and I talked about the pros and cons of the medication and decided to go ahead with it.  I went 2 cycles on it and had no success.  By this time in our lives, we were going through a lot and I was missing my appointments to start another cycle.  I decided I would take a break from the hormone treatments and would try something new, loosing weight.  My cholesterol was high and I was about 30 pounds over weight.  I started on Weight Watchers and ended up loosing a little over 15 pounds.  I was so proud of myself!  Loosing the weight caused me to have, for once in my whole life, a normal cycle.  I was ecstatic the first time I had a period on my own without the help of any medication!  My doctor was excited at the news as well and encouraged us to keep trying on our own.  

During all of this, we bought a house and moved 2 blocks away from my husband's office (which we know was a HUGE blessing from God)!   Then summer began and so did the busy season for youth ministers.  One Sunday morning, before leaving for camp, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I hadn't been feeling great and I was also about a week late on my cycle.  The test showed up positive.  I was shocked!  I showed it to my husband and we cried and held each other thinking it had finally happened.  We went to camp on cloud nine and told almost everyone at camp.  Sadly, our joy was very short-lived.  Wednesday night I began to cramp and by Thursday morning I was bleeding.  We informed everyone who knew about the pregnancy that we were going to the hospital and to pray it wasn't a miscarriage.  I had never felt so blessed to have the people I did surrounding me.  Unfortunately, the doctor said I'd miscarried.  In fact, he said I had probably miscarried even before I took the test, but my body still had enough of the hormone to turn it positive.  I felt as if I was in a dream world.  I wasn't sure what to think.  My husband and I stayed the night in town so that we could deal with it on our own.  It was hard for me to even grasp what had happened.  We hadn't known for more than a few days and it was over.  It just seemed like a bad dream.  When we got back to camp I was embraced by so many people and they all cried with me.   

Getting back home to normal life was difficult at first.  The next week of camp we shared a cabin with a couple who were expecting.  I ended up avoiding her as much as I could because the pain was still so real.  There are still times when I just have to sit down and cry.  I thought I'd finally gotten over it when my husband's best friend mentioned they were expecting.  This news hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was so envious of them; I found myself welling up with anger and hate.  When this happens, I always turn to the internet.  I find articles of women who have gone through the same things in order to find some form of comfort.  I found an article where a woman stated that when her friends and family were getting pregnant all around her, she had the same feelings of anger and hate.  Then she would calm herself down by saying a prayer for the mother and her expecting child, a prayer for a safe and healthy pregnancy and that they wouldn't have to go through what she went through.  This humbled me and I found myself saying a pray for our friends and their unborn child.  I even found myself getting onto their facebook pages and telling them how excited I was that that I was praying they would have a very health y pregnancy.  This made me feel so much better.  Yesterday I got on to find that they had gotten to hear the heartbeat.  Once again, another blow and reality check.  I may just have to stay off of facebook for a while.  

I heard something once that puts it all into perspective for those of us that are having issues conceiving.  Why is it so hard for me to get pregnant when the 16 year old teenager in the back of a car has no problem?  I know one day it will happen for me (although I'm sick and tired of hearing this).  I know God has a purpose for everything.  I just wish I knew what his purpose was.